Review Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)

Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre

Do I really have to?  I'm pretty sure after taking one look at that title you know exactly what kinda film this is going to be.  That title alone conjures up a detailed picture in your mind that's going to be more accurate than anything I could describe here. That title basically rendered my job pointless, yet here I am.

When this started I was pretty sure that every actor in this was an "adult film star" (I'll have you know, excluding Traci Lords, only 2 are!) This is the kinda movie where all the female prisoners wear the standard prison garments of tight white tank tops and daisy dukes. This is the kinda film where no one knows how to drink water properly, no one can seem to get it into their mouth, it just keeps spilling all over them.

Now while I was looking up these actresses on IMDB to confirm my earlier hypothesis I was shocked as fuck to realize one of the leads, Dominique Swain, was in Lolita opposite Jeremy Irons in the 90's! Wtf!?! She was also Travolta's daughter in Face/Off! Now she shares the screen with other actors whose credits include Sexy Wives Sinsations and Sexipede!

I'm not gonna knock anyone for ending up in the film. The movie industry is a tough business and there are plenty of people who would kill to switch places.  You go get that money.  Also it's actually no where near the "skinemax" level soft-core porn film I'm making it sound like. There surprisingly is no nudity in this and frankly the sfx are better than you would expect.

There's plenty of better shark attack movies out there and most of them are probably more fun than this but I feel like it's ultimately pointless for me to come down on either side of the fence with this film. You're either going to watch Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre or you're not, nothing I say will change that.

Available on Tubi (if you must). #horror #horrofanatic #horrorlover #horrorjunkie #horroraddict #horrorfan #horrorgram #horrorfilm #horrormovie #horrornerd #movieoftheday #moviereview #instagram #instagood #instafilm #instahorror  #horrorgeek #summer #jaws #shark #sharkweek #beach #vacation #theshore #ocean  #sharkattack #sharkweek2019

Review Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019)

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

Having picked the trilogy up in the 2nd grade I fell in love not only with the otherworldly and incredibly creepy illustrations by Stephen Gammell but with the way Alvin Schwartz wasn't afraid to confront children with not just any death but the their very own mortality.  Not only through stories but poems and songs he made death a little more easily digestible for children while still being scary yet always honest.

Worried that the film would resemble Goosebumps from a few years earlier, I was relieved to see them put there own spin on what felt like a similar plot. Instead of stories from the book coming to life, this "entity" makes your deepest fears come true and then they get added to the book as "scary stories." This is where the films strongest parts are, bringing the horrifying images from the books to life.  Specifically Harold and The Pale Lady stand out and create some truly terrifying scenes.  But the "entity" that's causing all this horror is where this film misses the mark.  It's standard ghost story tropes for a large portion of it's runtime.

I can probably off the top of my head name a dozen films about a ghost with a tragic past where someone has to investigate what really happened so they can set it right. Its been done to death and while this one might fall in the middle of that list quality-wise it's just a tired plot at this point. And that's the problem because there are just better PG-13 horror films out there you could watch in its place.  The Ring and The Changeling both have the same "wronged-ghost" subplot and I think both are considerably better films.
While it might be too scary for very young children others will be able to relate more to the young cast. Also making it a period piece definitely adds a nice little flourish to a familiar story. Ultimately the scenes based on the illustrations are just too few and far between.  On top of that the ending is ubrupt and unsatisfying.  It's not terrible but I can't help but feel like they did a disservice to these stories.  Instead of these incredibly frightening and diverse stories we got a criminally over used and uninspired ghost story.

Review Psycho Sisters (1998)

Psycho Sisters (1994)

Around 11:15pm and I don't know how many beers deep the second film of the night started, Psycho Sisters. Now this film threw me for a loop and I thought I was being gaslighted. I watched the trailer for this movie but this looked different.
After the film i looked it up again on youtube. I was utterly baffled.  There was the trailer with the same story but different actors.  IMDB listed a Psycho Sisters from 1998 with the same plot but different actors.  Was I going crazy? Did this movie exist? What the fuck is going on?

Well apparently in the low budget SOV world movies would often get remade usually due to receiving a slightly larger budget, access to a semi-recognizable face (I'm talking z-grade actors here), or just the filmmaker wants to take another crack at it after gaining some more experience.  Turns out this film was remade in 1998 and that version is more widely available.  So go to YouTube and watch the trailer for the 1998 movie... and then imagine a movie of even lower quality and you've got this.

It's actually a lot of fun. There's a doctor who's sole purpose is to deliver exposition while being incredibly blunt.  It seems like there's a title card showing a jump in time (i.e., One Year Later) in between almost every scene, it honestly happens so much it becomes laughable. And while there isn't much gore the titular siblings cut off and collect a lot of dicks. Like a whole bunch of 'em. A whole closet full of jars. Jars and jars of cocks.

There's an incredibly abrupt rape scene early on in the movie which kinda sets off the whole plot so here's your warning.  This is definitely not for everyone.  It's got a super sleazy tone and it's either gonna turn you off or be the exact reason why you watch it.

Also by the end of the film due to a change in temperature there was hella condensation on my windshield and no matter how much I wiped my windshield was steadily losing visibility.  I had to watch the last couple minutes with my head out the window and suddenly it became obvious why everyone else brought lawn chairs.

Review Q (1982)

Q: The Winged Serpent

You ever watch a gritty 70's/early 80's era NYC set crime film and thought, "Gee willikers you know what this film could use? A giant Aztec lizard bird god." Of course you didn't because that would be an insane reaction but you know who had that thought?  Goddamn maverick filmmaker Larry Cohen god bless this man and rest in peace.

For real.  Imagine if in the middle of Mean Streats a goddamn Qwetz... Quatz... Qcuts... (googling furiously) Quetzalcoatl the Aztec diety showed up and just started eating motherfucker's heads off.

Guys this movie shouldn't be good but it's goddamn terrific.  And a huge reason is actor Michael Moriarty.  I'm talking Nicolas Cage level acting choices here.  This guy fucking brings it.  He's just wild in every fucking scene.  Extremely comfortable and confident in his decisions which are all incredibly unique.  He literally bebops and scats his way through scenes as a jazz pianist/small time crook, alcoholic, ex junkie, wife beater who holds the city hostage with a giant lizard bird diety and he's our fucking hero AND YOU LIKE HIM!. Seriously this is a fantastic wild and weird movie that expertly smashed together 2 wildly different genres, the 70's crime and cop film with a monster movie.  Absolutely highest of recommendations.

It's available on Amazon Prime, Tubi and Shudder in the regular version but also the Joe Bob Briggs hosted Last Drive-In version which I highly recommend you check out.

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Review Prom Night II (1987)

Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

There's an early kill where this girl is about to get decapitated in a really cool way but then they trick you and end up just hanging her. Now a decapitation is way cooler than a hanging but I was thinking it made sense cuz you can make a hanging look like a suicide but you couldn't do that with a decapitation.  But then they THROW THE BODY OUT THE WINDOW. You can't hang urself and then jump out a window.  But what I was doing was trying to apply "logic" to this film.  That's my fault.

This film is bat-shit, bug-fucking, bonkers and I love it.  First off (and don't @ me) the original Prom Night is a bad movie. It's a generic slasher with a generic villain, and it's all around forgettable and I have no idea why Randy was so obsessed with it in Scream (he shoulda went with Terror Train). But for some unattainable reason 7 years after that weak ass film someone took a script that had nothing to do with the film Prom Night, changed the title, and slapped Prom Night II on there and ya know what? If that's the only reason we got to see this glorious madness then god  bless whoever made that decision.

The characters die in a slasher film order kinda way but the film plays more like Carrie meets The Exorcist if it was written by someone who only had the plots of those two films described to them... and was an insane person.

This movie is wild and there's a kill involving a gym locker that's just jumped to one of my favorite on screen deaths.  Fuck The Godfather Part II, Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II is my new go to answer for a sequel that is better than the original.  And HML:PN2 is a million times better than Prom Night, I don't care how much Jamie Lee Curtis disco dancing there is.

Available on Shudder, Amazon Prime, and free on Tubi and Vudu with ads.

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Review Ozone (1995)

Ozone

I hope you all like SOV horror cuz I ain't stopping anytime soon.  I got this dope ass book back at VHSfest III called Analog Nightmares which is a history of shot on video horror films and I've been going nuts tracking down as many as I can ever since.  And just my luck the Alamo Drafthouse in Yonkers was showing Ozone as part it's Video Vortex series. Plus I had a Victory Rewards coupon for a free pizza at Alamo so jack-fucking-pot.

As far as SOV horror goes this has to be one of my favorites.  Just straight up fucking gloopy gooey gross ass slimey sticky pus-filled exploding disgusting amazing low budget fx work.  Fuck, if you can't compete with the higher production values of studio films then at least go balls out with what you got.

After a drug deal gone wrong a cop gets pricked by a needle filled with some kinda new street drug which forces him to go on wild "trip". First I have no idea what the effects of the drug are.  Some people's veins bubble up and explode, sometimes their head explodes. Others turn into weird ass crusty zombie looking things, some which act like brainless zombies and some drive cars and head bang to metal music. And others well... not to spoil the bat-shit bonkers 3rd act but I'd just like to mention a scene where 2 people turn into gooey slime monsters AND THEN FUCK.

With the main character being a cop you'd think you'd have an easy built in narrative of the cop investigating but this dude doesn't really do any actually cop work and any important plot movement happens because a character tracked them down.  This the kinda ridiculously plotted yet amazingly balls out weird stuff that makes the SOV genre one of my faves.
If you haven't given the SOV horror subgenre a chance yet here is a perfect film to throw on, lower your standards, grab some beers and a few friends, and let loose.

Available on Amazon Prime.

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Review Open Water (2003)

Shark Week: Day 6

Open Water

I've been meaning to get around to this movie for what feels like forever and I'm glad that I did even if similar films have come out in the meantime.  Shot on DV and with real sharks there was no CGI used unlike well, pretty much all modern shark attack films.

Listen straight up this is a film with 2 people in the water for most of its runtime. If that sounds boring to you because you want to see sharks chomping humans into pieces then go watch Deep Blue Sea again cuz that shits dope but if you don't mind a slower paced film that focuses more on suspense then by all means check this out.

The kinda terror this movie delivers is well beyond just an animal attack.  Yeah you could get muched by a shark but if you don't there's dehydration and exhaustion which in turn leads to drowning.  That alone is more than horrifying enough to think about.  At least the sharks are quick unlike the slow torturous death from just being alone out in the middle of the ocean.

The handled DV cameras and real sharks make this film feel incredibly real.  This is the kinda movie that gives you panic attacks while watching it.  Sure other movies like The Shallows and 47 Meters Down kinda took a similar idea and threw a bunch of money and fx at it but this low budget effort is just as effective.

It's runtime is only 80 minutes which is nice and there's enough going on so the film doesn't overstay it's welcome.  It's hard to pull off a couple characters in 1 location for the majority of a film especially when that location is as non-descript as the ocean but I feel like they did a great job.  They managed to make extremely little incredibly terrifying.

Available on Amazon Prime and Hulu.

#horror #horrofanatic #horrorlover #horrorjunkie #horroraddict #horrorfan #horrorgram #horrorfilm #horrormovie #horrornerd #movieoftheday #moviereview #filmreview #instagram #instagood #instafilm #instahorror  #horrorgeek #summer #jaws #shark #sharkweek #beach #vacation #theshore #ocean  #sharkattack #sharkweek2019