Review Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)

Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre

Do I really have to?  I'm pretty sure after taking one look at that title you know exactly what kinda film this is going to be.  That title alone conjures up a detailed picture in your mind that's going to be more accurate than anything I could describe here. That title basically rendered my job pointless, yet here I am.

When this started I was pretty sure that every actor in this was an "adult film star" (I'll have you know, excluding Traci Lords, only 2 are!) This is the kinda movie where all the female prisoners wear the standard prison garments of tight white tank tops and daisy dukes. This is the kinda film where no one knows how to drink water properly, no one can seem to get it into their mouth, it just keeps spilling all over them.

Now while I was looking up these actresses on IMDB to confirm my earlier hypothesis I was shocked as fuck to realize one of the leads, Dominique Swain, was in Lolita opposite Jeremy Irons in the 90's! Wtf!?! She was also Travolta's daughter in Face/Off! Now she shares the screen with other actors whose credits include Sexy Wives Sinsations and Sexipede!

I'm not gonna knock anyone for ending up in the film. The movie industry is a tough business and there are plenty of people who would kill to switch places.  You go get that money.  Also it's actually no where near the "skinemax" level soft-core porn film I'm making it sound like. There surprisingly is no nudity in this and frankly the sfx are better than you would expect.

There's plenty of better shark attack movies out there and most of them are probably more fun than this but I feel like it's ultimately pointless for me to come down on either side of the fence with this film. You're either going to watch Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre or you're not, nothing I say will change that.

Available on Tubi (if you must). #horror #horrofanatic #horrorlover #horrorjunkie #horroraddict #horrorfan #horrorgram #horrorfilm #horrormovie #horrornerd #movieoftheday #moviereview #instagram #instagood #instafilm #instahorror  #horrorgeek #summer #jaws #shark #sharkweek #beach #vacation #theshore #ocean  #sharkattack #sharkweek2019

Review Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019)

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

Having picked the trilogy up in the 2nd grade I fell in love not only with the otherworldly and incredibly creepy illustrations by Stephen Gammell but with the way Alvin Schwartz wasn't afraid to confront children with not just any death but the their very own mortality.  Not only through stories but poems and songs he made death a little more easily digestible for children while still being scary yet always honest.

Worried that the film would resemble Goosebumps from a few years earlier, I was relieved to see them put there own spin on what felt like a similar plot. Instead of stories from the book coming to life, this "entity" makes your deepest fears come true and then they get added to the book as "scary stories." This is where the films strongest parts are, bringing the horrifying images from the books to life.  Specifically Harold and The Pale Lady stand out and create some truly terrifying scenes.  But the "entity" that's causing all this horror is where this film misses the mark.  It's standard ghost story tropes for a large portion of it's runtime.

I can probably off the top of my head name a dozen films about a ghost with a tragic past where someone has to investigate what really happened so they can set it right. Its been done to death and while this one might fall in the middle of that list quality-wise it's just a tired plot at this point. And that's the problem because there are just better PG-13 horror films out there you could watch in its place.  The Ring and The Changeling both have the same "wronged-ghost" subplot and I think both are considerably better films.
While it might be too scary for very young children others will be able to relate more to the young cast. Also making it a period piece definitely adds a nice little flourish to a familiar story. Ultimately the scenes based on the illustrations are just too few and far between.  On top of that the ending is ubrupt and unsatisfying.  It's not terrible but I can't help but feel like they did a disservice to these stories.  Instead of these incredibly frightening and diverse stories we got a criminally over used and uninspired ghost story.

Review Psycho Sisters (1998)

Psycho Sisters (1994)

Around 11:15pm and I don't know how many beers deep the second film of the night started, Psycho Sisters. Now this film threw me for a loop and I thought I was being gaslighted. I watched the trailer for this movie but this looked different.
After the film i looked it up again on youtube. I was utterly baffled.  There was the trailer with the same story but different actors.  IMDB listed a Psycho Sisters from 1998 with the same plot but different actors.  Was I going crazy? Did this movie exist? What the fuck is going on?

Well apparently in the low budget SOV world movies would often get remade usually due to receiving a slightly larger budget, access to a semi-recognizable face (I'm talking z-grade actors here), or just the filmmaker wants to take another crack at it after gaining some more experience.  Turns out this film was remade in 1998 and that version is more widely available.  So go to YouTube and watch the trailer for the 1998 movie... and then imagine a movie of even lower quality and you've got this.

It's actually a lot of fun. There's a doctor who's sole purpose is to deliver exposition while being incredibly blunt.  It seems like there's a title card showing a jump in time (i.e., One Year Later) in between almost every scene, it honestly happens so much it becomes laughable. And while there isn't much gore the titular siblings cut off and collect a lot of dicks. Like a whole bunch of 'em. A whole closet full of jars. Jars and jars of cocks.

There's an incredibly abrupt rape scene early on in the movie which kinda sets off the whole plot so here's your warning.  This is definitely not for everyone.  It's got a super sleazy tone and it's either gonna turn you off or be the exact reason why you watch it.

Also by the end of the film due to a change in temperature there was hella condensation on my windshield and no matter how much I wiped my windshield was steadily losing visibility.  I had to watch the last couple minutes with my head out the window and suddenly it became obvious why everyone else brought lawn chairs.

Review Q (1982)

Q: The Winged Serpent

You ever watch a gritty 70's/early 80's era NYC set crime film and thought, "Gee willikers you know what this film could use? A giant Aztec lizard bird god." Of course you didn't because that would be an insane reaction but you know who had that thought?  Goddamn maverick filmmaker Larry Cohen god bless this man and rest in peace.

For real.  Imagine if in the middle of Mean Streats a goddamn Qwetz... Quatz... Qcuts... (googling furiously) Quetzalcoatl the Aztec diety showed up and just started eating motherfucker's heads off.

Guys this movie shouldn't be good but it's goddamn terrific.  And a huge reason is actor Michael Moriarty.  I'm talking Nicolas Cage level acting choices here.  This guy fucking brings it.  He's just wild in every fucking scene.  Extremely comfortable and confident in his decisions which are all incredibly unique.  He literally bebops and scats his way through scenes as a jazz pianist/small time crook, alcoholic, ex junkie, wife beater who holds the city hostage with a giant lizard bird diety and he's our fucking hero AND YOU LIKE HIM!. Seriously this is a fantastic wild and weird movie that expertly smashed together 2 wildly different genres, the 70's crime and cop film with a monster movie.  Absolutely highest of recommendations.

It's available on Amazon Prime, Tubi and Shudder in the regular version but also the Joe Bob Briggs hosted Last Drive-In version which I highly recommend you check out.

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Review Prom Night II (1987)

Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

There's an early kill where this girl is about to get decapitated in a really cool way but then they trick you and end up just hanging her. Now a decapitation is way cooler than a hanging but I was thinking it made sense cuz you can make a hanging look like a suicide but you couldn't do that with a decapitation.  But then they THROW THE BODY OUT THE WINDOW. You can't hang urself and then jump out a window.  But what I was doing was trying to apply "logic" to this film.  That's my fault.

This film is bat-shit, bug-fucking, bonkers and I love it.  First off (and don't @ me) the original Prom Night is a bad movie. It's a generic slasher with a generic villain, and it's all around forgettable and I have no idea why Randy was so obsessed with it in Scream (he shoulda went with Terror Train). But for some unattainable reason 7 years after that weak ass film someone took a script that had nothing to do with the film Prom Night, changed the title, and slapped Prom Night II on there and ya know what? If that's the only reason we got to see this glorious madness then god  bless whoever made that decision.

The characters die in a slasher film order kinda way but the film plays more like Carrie meets The Exorcist if it was written by someone who only had the plots of those two films described to them... and was an insane person.

This movie is wild and there's a kill involving a gym locker that's just jumped to one of my favorite on screen deaths.  Fuck The Godfather Part II, Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II is my new go to answer for a sequel that is better than the original.  And HML:PN2 is a million times better than Prom Night, I don't care how much Jamie Lee Curtis disco dancing there is.

Available on Shudder, Amazon Prime, and free on Tubi and Vudu with ads.

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Review Ozone (1995)

Ozone

I hope you all like SOV horror cuz I ain't stopping anytime soon.  I got this dope ass book back at VHSfest III called Analog Nightmares which is a history of shot on video horror films and I've been going nuts tracking down as many as I can ever since.  And just my luck the Alamo Drafthouse in Yonkers was showing Ozone as part it's Video Vortex series. Plus I had a Victory Rewards coupon for a free pizza at Alamo so jack-fucking-pot.

As far as SOV horror goes this has to be one of my favorites.  Just straight up fucking gloopy gooey gross ass slimey sticky pus-filled exploding disgusting amazing low budget fx work.  Fuck, if you can't compete with the higher production values of studio films then at least go balls out with what you got.

After a drug deal gone wrong a cop gets pricked by a needle filled with some kinda new street drug which forces him to go on wild "trip". First I have no idea what the effects of the drug are.  Some people's veins bubble up and explode, sometimes their head explodes. Others turn into weird ass crusty zombie looking things, some which act like brainless zombies and some drive cars and head bang to metal music. And others well... not to spoil the bat-shit bonkers 3rd act but I'd just like to mention a scene where 2 people turn into gooey slime monsters AND THEN FUCK.

With the main character being a cop you'd think you'd have an easy built in narrative of the cop investigating but this dude doesn't really do any actually cop work and any important plot movement happens because a character tracked them down.  This the kinda ridiculously plotted yet amazingly balls out weird stuff that makes the SOV genre one of my faves.
If you haven't given the SOV horror subgenre a chance yet here is a perfect film to throw on, lower your standards, grab some beers and a few friends, and let loose.

Available on Amazon Prime.

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Review Open Water (2003)

Shark Week: Day 6

Open Water

I've been meaning to get around to this movie for what feels like forever and I'm glad that I did even if similar films have come out in the meantime.  Shot on DV and with real sharks there was no CGI used unlike well, pretty much all modern shark attack films.

Listen straight up this is a film with 2 people in the water for most of its runtime. If that sounds boring to you because you want to see sharks chomping humans into pieces then go watch Deep Blue Sea again cuz that shits dope but if you don't mind a slower paced film that focuses more on suspense then by all means check this out.

The kinda terror this movie delivers is well beyond just an animal attack.  Yeah you could get muched by a shark but if you don't there's dehydration and exhaustion which in turn leads to drowning.  That alone is more than horrifying enough to think about.  At least the sharks are quick unlike the slow torturous death from just being alone out in the middle of the ocean.

The handled DV cameras and real sharks make this film feel incredibly real.  This is the kinda movie that gives you panic attacks while watching it.  Sure other movies like The Shallows and 47 Meters Down kinda took a similar idea and threw a bunch of money and fx at it but this low budget effort is just as effective.

It's runtime is only 80 minutes which is nice and there's enough going on so the film doesn't overstay it's welcome.  It's hard to pull off a couple characters in 1 location for the majority of a film especially when that location is as non-descript as the ocean but I feel like they did a great job.  They managed to make extremely little incredibly terrifying.

Available on Amazon Prime and Hulu.

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Review Demon Wind (1990)

Demon Wind

Listen I would love to give you a deep thorough analysis of this film.  I'd love to discuss character arcs and themes.  I'd love to watch this through the lens of gender studies or how it relates to the political climate at the time.
But for the life of me I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS MOVIE!

There's a karate magician and someone turns into a doll and explodes and there's a flying sexy demon zombie and there are satanic cults and an incredibly old murder mystery, and a cabin that allows you to cross dimensions and time and magical, super strong ghost children and if you put a gun to my head and demanded that I explain how all these things fit together then the walls would be splattered with my brains before they even pulled the trigger.

This movie has so much shit going on.  Every line is either some needlessly complicated stretch of exposition or a terrible one-liner that absolutely never fails to miss it's mark.  This is the kinda bat-shit bonkers malarkey I live for.  God bless this maniac.

There's a ton of incredibly gooey slime monsters that all look like they're melting and they explode green slime when shot.  The main actor is terrible but then in the third act something so incredibly fucking weird and confusing happens and I'm not sure what I was watching but it looked like a rejected Star Trek alien race character was trying to fight Pizza the Hut on goat legs and behold it was glorious.

It's terrible and wonderful all at the same time plus it's name sounds like a fart.

Available on Amazon Prime and Shudder (including the always recommended Joe Bob Briggs hosted Last Drive-In version). #horror #nothorror #horrofanatic #horrorlover #horrorjunkie #horroraddict #horrorfan #horrorgram #horrorfilm #horrormovie #horrornerd #movieoftheday #moviereview #filmreview #instagram #instagood #instafilm #instahorror  #horrorgeek #shudder #thelastdrivein #Joebobbriggs

Review Jaws 2 (1978)

Jaws 2

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water Hollywood made a butt load of money on the first one so here we go again.  Much like that other Speilberg animal attack film series with a handful of sequels, while the first one was a classic the follow ups tend to range from "ok" to dookie.

This happens to be one of the just "ok" ones.  While Chief Brody is back the films lack of other adult characters hinders this one. Quint and Hooper are sorely missed. Instead the film is populated with younger faces most notably Brody's son Michael and his friends.  They feel like the same kinda generic non-descript camp counselor fodder in a Friday the 13th film.  They should of have just thrown a hockey mask on the shark (I know I know this predates F13). Seriously I kept forgetting which one was Michael and which one was the Mayor's son since they all just shaggy haired white boys.

Brody's characterization in this might be the best thing this movie has going for it.  He's a haunted man from the events of the first film and absolutely dead set on not letting this happen again much to the detriment of his job, family, and friends.  Brody's gone a little shark crazy and many believe he's overreacting. Of course we know he's right.

This also though leads to one of the weirdest aspects of this film.  Since none of the deaths can be obvious shark attacks since then Brody will be proven right, all the deaths are like tangentially related to the shark. It's like the shark is gaslighting Brody. There's one scene where a woman hilariously pours gasoline all over herself before exploding.
It's not terrible but often feels like a half hearted retread that can't hold a candle to the original. Its still better than 99.99% of SyFy original shark attack movies.

And while I'm not the first person to point this out its absolutely worth reiterating that THE MAYOR FROM JAWS IS STILL THE MAYOR IN JAWS 2!!!!! That asshole knew and didn't close down the beach. This is why it's crucial to always vote.

#horror #horrofanatic #horrorlover #horrorjunkie #horroraddict #horrorfan #horrorgram #horrorfilm #horrormovie #horrornerd #movieoftheday #moviereview

Review Curse of Chucky (2013)

Curse of Chucky

With a divisive previous entry and the longest gap between sequels, Don Mancini delivers basically a soft reboot.  What basically feels like the start of the 3rd wave of Chucky films we actually go back to the first film for inspiration.  The goal is to make Chucky scary again.
After 2 very comedic films this one slows the pacing down and focuses much more on suspense and building a sense of terror.  Unlike the first film, we know Chucky is alive and a killer, but still choosing to keep Chucky's activities in the shadows and off screen actually helps ramp up the creep factor, something thats been missing since maybe the first couple of films.

Of course it's deliberate slow nature and stripped down plot could be due to the fact that this is the first film in the franchise not to have a theatrical release so it presumably has a smaller budget.  But luckily it's well written enough that if this was a limitation then it's not too noticeable.

Of course not everything works.  I love Brad Dourif but there are some flashback scenes and I'm sorry but he does not pass for 25 years younger especially when you then show a scene from the first Child's Play actually showing us what he looks like 25 years younger.

Also the look of the doll itself has changed and seems to have drawn the ire of a certain amount of fans. I'm not crazy about it but at least when he's not moving he actually looks like a child's toy and not something designed by a prop department to look purposefully creepy, I'm looking at you Annabelle.

While the previous  entries' continuity isn't ignored it's kinda gently pushed to the background so this story can start fresh and not be bogged down by 5 films worth of mythology. Overall it seems to work for new fans and old ones who may have been spurned by the comedic tone of previous films.  And if you are a long time franchise fan there is certainly something for you. Make sure you watch the unrated cut and stay through the credits.

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Review Cult of Chucky (2017)

Cult of Chucky

Check out my post from 10/6/17 for my initial views.  But how does this re-watch hold up?

Per some of the comments I've received regarding this whole franchise revisit it seems that Cult is pretty divisive.  But this is my page and in my opinion I happen to think this entry is fucking dope.

Upon revisiting this entire franchise I'm gaining more of a respect for the entries that truly set out to do something different and goddamn is Cult different.

Franchises have a habit of repeating a formula that works so I'm always going to champion stuff that breaks the mold. Cult has some straight up weird fucking shit going on but while it's not afraid to be different this entry does have something that's been missing since the original entry and that's a genuine sense of not being sure if you can trust what you think is happening.

Before everyone knew Chucky was the killer (in the first entries brilliant reveal) there is a real sense of mystery and uncertainty going on.  This entry manages to bring back that feeling by introducing multiple plot elements we haven't seen before along with an unreliable main character.  Sure it's not the first film to be set in a mental hospital and use the fact that the main character might be crazy to obfuscate the story's true intentions but it sure is a welcome change of pace for this series.

Of course the other big plot element that keeps us on our toes is the introduction of multiple Chucky dolls.  Which one is alive? Are more than one alive? Is any of them alive?  Again this genuinely adds an air of suspense that previous entries were greatly missing.

Of course this all culminates in a pretty bonkers climax that completely blows apart the established rules we've come to know and gives us the clear message that anything is possible for the future of this franchise.  This along with the reintroduction of some long time franchise players make this film an absolute blast for franchise fans.
It might not be for everyone but I'm sincerely impressed that 7 films and 30 years later this franchise can remain unique and  inventive.  Bravo, Mancini, bravo!

Review Climax (2018)

Climax

I love that "dance" is a sub-genre of horror films.  It can be a grueling painstaking endless quest for perfection or a primal almost animalistic reaction.  It surprisingly lends itself to horror almost too well, the majority of "dance" horror films being some of the best the genre has to offer and Climax is no different.
Gaspar Noe is one of my favorite working directors today. (I had the closest to what could be called a religious experience watching his Enter the Void i.e., I got high and thought I was dying). Many studio or "hollywood" films can often be monotonous, and I think that's why many gravitate toward the genre.  Horror in itself can be formulaic but at it's best it's truly subversive, a break from what we're used to, with a goal to take us out of our comfort zone.  The provocateur Noe is always looking to take people outside their comfort zone.  It's a match made in hell.

The film pulsates, its rhythmic backbone carries us through the entire runtime.  The soundtrack is flawless.  The camera beautifully weaves between characters, carefree and floating on instinct yet as amazingly choreographed as the dance sequences themselves.  And then shit hits the fan.

Someone's disconnected the brakes on this ride and Noe is hurling us straight down into hell.  The music and dancing continues as the descent goes on.  Madness has a soundtrack and it's EDM.  It's climax (buh dum tish) is truly Clive Barker-esque both visually and spiritually.  Guys this movies a trip.

So yeah I loved it and it's one of my favorites of the year but it's absolutely not for everyone and I'm sure some will hate it and some will tell me to fuck off but whatever.  I can't wait to take that trip again.

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Review Crawl (2019)

Crawl

I champion films that break outside the studio formula all the time and occasionally in my excitedness it comes across like I'm dismissive of all studio horror films or fans of these films but in reality that's not the case at all.  Crawl is one of those movies made inside the studio system. It might not be the most original idea (see Burning Bright) but goddamn does it work.

It probably helps that it's made by a team of people who got their start outside of Hollywood but have also proven before that you can make solid genre pictures inside the system that aren't compromised.  That team would be producer Sam Raimi and director Alexander Aja.

After a quick intro and set up this film gets going fast and luckily for us it turns up the screws and never lets up for it's entire and fairly short runtime.  It's lean and incredible tight.  The film knows exactly when to just slow down and let the tension build, it's much more interested in suspense then gore (though that doesn't mean there isn't any). Listen I start to panic when I hold my breath too long while taking a shower so certain scenes in this film (like a completely submerged tunnel someone has to swim through) just kinda fuck me up all sorts.  But it's not just the rising water as THERE ARE GODDAMN GATORS that happen to pop up at the most inopportune of times.

As I get older "monsters" are no longer scary, shit, but drowning and wild animal attacks? Fuck me, that shits real.  This the type of film that causes empathetic panic attacks.
Ultimately this mashing up of sub-genres (disaster film and animals attack film) is a solid lean ride and at under 90 minutes it should be enjoyable for everyone.  This to me is the perfect type of fun enjoyable summer horror film.

Plus the gator eats a white girl with cornrows so good for the gator they're obviously not all bad.  #horror #nothorror #horrofanatic #horrorlover #horrorjunkie #horroraddict #horrorfan #horrorgram #horrorfilm #horrormovie #horrornerd #movieoftheday #moviereview #filmreview #instagram #instagood #instafilm #instahorror  #horrorgeek #crawl #gator

Review Child's Play 2 (1990)

Child's Play 2

Slasher films can be some of the most formulaic the genre has to offer. Sequels can often result in half-baked repeats of the previous film.  Yet somehow that scrappy little killer doll comes back with an absolute banger of a sequel.

First right off the bat the animatronic doll has greatly improved.  The fx were great in the first one but now they're damn fantastic. Chucky is able to pull off way more facial expressions and small ticks allowing his sleazy charm to really shine through combined with the pitch perfect Brad Dourif returning to imbue this once lifeless doll with actual personality. Most on screen killers have the benefit of an actor to embody their monster, what the sfx crew does here cannot be praised enough.

Andy's back too and now he's been placed in the foster system after his mother's been sent to a psychiatric hospital when she wouldn't keep quiet about the killer doll.  The cast is populated with recognizable genre vets who help bring some depth to an already strong script.  Child's Play 2 is a rare sequel that manages to follow in the originals footsteps but never feels like it's repeating itself.

And then the climax set at the Good Guy manufacturing plant is one of the highlights of the entire series. Genuienely suspenseful and frightening it's a also an fx heavy setpiece that does not disappoint.  This film goes out with a fucking bang.

Child's Play 2 is a surprisingly worthy follow up to the classic original that is sure to satiate fans who wanted more of the pint sized serial killer.

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Review Child's Play 3 (1991)

Child's Play 3

Child's Play 2 was an unexpected banger and while CP3 is not by any stretch a bad film it does feel like the franchise is started to spin it's wheels in place.  There are some changes from the previous films yet they're fairly superficial.

It's been only a year since the release of CP2 but this film jumps 8 years in the future.  This gives us an older Andy, now in a military academy.  While the change of scenery is nice it's still the same story just this time Chucky's found a new child he wants to enter... uh I mean...he wants the boys body... uh yeah you know what I'm talking about.

The new setting does allow for some cool set pieces involving a lot more characters.  Chucky's meddling results in a tragic round of wargames where he replaces paint cartridges with real ammunition.  I don't know if those paint bullets are a thing cuz all I know are paintballs and that sure ain't it but either way it's a cool idea.

The films biggest saving grace is that damn little foul mouthed fucker again.  I say it with each film but the fx of Chucky doll itself improve with each outing.  Apparently this is the first time where the animatronics are computer assisted and the improvement in his facial expressions and dialogue syncing is noticeable and top fucking notch.
Seriously the film is decent, its not gonna win any new fans but if you enjoy the exploits of the psychopathic plastic predator than it's more than worth checking out for Chucky's twisted charm.

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Review Child's Play (2019)

Child's Play (2019)

At this point if you've pooled together every time I've written about remakes you could probably put together a small novel... or a novella I guess, yeah that's it. But whatever here we go again.  I'm not opposed to them, I only ask that they be different.  I have no interest in watching the same exact movie with the same exact story beats just with different people and a "hip" soundtrack.  Luckily Child's Play 2019 is very much it's own movie.

Keep an open mind and divorce yourself from the original series because there's a lot of fun to have with this movie.  Thankfully this film takes a very different approach, in fact it feels more like a killer robot film than a killer doll movie.  They smartly tie that into our technology obsessed current culture.  With smart phones, smart tv's, smart refrigerators, and pretty much smart "whatever we can jam a computer in and connect to the internet" you no longer have to worry about just Chucky cuz he can connect to almost anything in our lives.

Brad Dourif is irreplaceable but Mark Hammill does a great job with avery different take.  This Chucky has a naivete to him.  He's learning and often misunderstands.  He doesn't start malicious and there are even moments where I actually felt bad for this little robot.  It's a great take on the character and absolutely works for this film.

Aubrey Plaza is hella likable, Brian Tyree Henry is great in EVERYTHING, and the kids are fun.  It's gots laughs and some pretty great gore fx plus a third act that in traditional Child's Play fashion is straight up bonkers.  Yeah it looks like they left the original Chucky in the dryer after it  got stung by a bunch of bees but the rest of this film is so much fucking fun, plus the ugly little fucker kinda grows on you.

I was hesitant because the original Child's Play is still going strong and i wholeheartedly support that franchise and it's continued existence but I think there's more than enough room in this world for both.

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Review Child's Play (1988)

Child's Play

One of the most iconic villians in horror history. Seriously who wraps pants in a box that's the exact size of the hottest toy out now for someone's birthday? A seriously evil person that's who.

Ok this one is kinda personal for me. When I was just a wee lad I vividly remember going to get some ice cream and having to walk past a video store (y'all remember video stores right?) And they had the poster for this film in their window and just the poster alone scared me so much I wouldn't go get ice cream.  Let that sink in. A poster scared a child so much they didn't want ice cream.

Now the movie itself? It's fucking awesome. Its a genuinely well crafted horror film with some fantastic fx that still hold up farely well today. Besides the voodoo stuff which is just a means to an end (i.e., get serial killer into doll) which feels a bit of it's time (the whole moral outrage of Satanic Panic) the film still straight up slays today.

Director Tom Holland manages to have his cake and eat it too.  For a little more than half the runtime he wisely keeps the doll to the shadows leaving the audience to question the absurd notion of a killer doll only for Mrs Barclay to call Chucky's bluff in a fantastic scene where the doll is forced to reveal his true self in her hands.

Think about that for a second.  If an inanimate doll came alive in my hands it would not only be the scariest thing in the world but I would be forced to question my very understanding of the fabric of reality.  The nature of the universe I've come to understand is completely wrong. So before some internet tough guy says "I don't think Chucky's scary I'd just kick him in the face." Well to that I say "you good sir are ignoring the existential nightmare and true terror in the existence of a 'killer doll' so good luck kicking that in the face." .
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The movie magic they pull off in bringing this doll to life is just amazing and head and shoulders above any CGI today. The practical fx bring a real weight and physicality to Chucky. Of course it doesn't fully work until you add the amazing Brad Dourif whose iconic voice truly gave life to an iconic slasher.

Review Blood Lake (1987)

Blood Lake .
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"Too much lake, not enough blood." - Some IMDB reviewer.

I mean they're not wrong.  But this is one of those movies you kinda gotta enjoy just for how much it doesn't resemble a movie.  Besides a kill in the first scene (accompanied by a hilarious dialogue exchange) the first 50 minutes of this movie's already short runtime feel like you're watching someone's legit vacation home movies.
There is zero manufactured drama between these characters before the killing starts. Most films will establish a bunch of soap opera-y melodrama in the first act, you know, this person has a secret, so and so is cheating on this person but this other person is in love with them, yadda yadda etc etc. Not in this film!

For like 2 acts we just watch a bunch of people who genuinely like each other hang out.  They bust each others chops as only friends do but they all seem decent.  Lil Tony is a blonde mulletted pre-teen little wise ass with quite a mouth but he's got that like-able little jerk charm.  They go water skiing... in real time.  The play quarters... in real time.  They do more water skiing... in real ass long as hell time.  Editing is for suckers.

Then, well, the killing starts but by then there is like 10 minutes left and it's not particularly gorey or anything but there is a deputy or police officer (I just know he's not the sheriff, I know this cuz he says he called the sheriff yet no sheriff ever shows up) where was I? Oh yeah this deputy hilariously barely reacts to anything including discovering 2 dead bodies. He shows up again to deliver a chunk of exposition explaining the killer's motive which also happens to be the most hilarious overreaction. Like a simple court case would have solved everything but I guess murder is more fun.

Then the final shot plays and I have never been so immediately baffled by what I was seeing.  A credit appears on screen alluding to what we just saw yet I had even more questions.  This shot was clearly an after thought because it makes literally no sense in the context of the film.  Luckily the AGFA dvd has some extras where the director talks about this.

For "so bad it's good" fans only.

Review Bride of Chucky (1998)

Bride of Chucky

Just when the franchise started showing signs of fatigue they take an extended break and come back with not only a new look but a new lady friend for our miniaturized murderer.

It's not just the look and cast of characters that's changed here, while Chucky has always had a twisted sense of humor, this entry really leans into the comedy a lot more with a script that firmly places it's tongue in cheek yet manages to display all the deranged violence we've come to love and expect from the franchise.  This film more than any other in the series manages to dish out equal helpings of laughs and murders.

Probably the biggest reason for change in direction is addition of Jennifer Tilly as the serial killer's long time girlfriend Tiffany. I don't know any other way to put it but Tilly is a straight up babe in this and manages to more than hold her own, laugh for laugh and stab for stab across from the iconic slasher.  She's the much needed shot in the arm this franchise needed.  You can make the argument she's the true main character of this film as she easily has the biggest character arc.

It's not without its issues. While Don Mancini has been credited with every script since the first one there's a weird story continuity issue regarding an amulet that has never been mentioned previously but apparently is needed to jump bodies.  I can't help but wonder if that was an addition from director Ronny Yu who also had some questionable story continuity in his Freddy vs Jason film (Freddy afraid of fire, Jason afraid of water). Also the human characters aren't that memorable but watching them get gaslighted by Tiffany and Chucky into thinking the other is a serial killer is a more than humorous watch.
Plus there is puppet sex.

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Review Bait (2012)

Bait

Ok maybe some of the CGI fx don't exactly hold up well, at least they're still a step above Syfy Original level.  And maybe I couldn't tell if the dialogue was full of obscure Australian colloqialisms or just bad, at least it had some recognizable, likable, genre faces in it.  Yeah maybe There's enough manufactured melodrama stuffed into this supermarket to fill 3 seasons of a soap opera, it's still more believable and relatable than anyone of the relationships in The Meg.

Listen, I'm a simple man. Flood a supermarket, trap some people inside, throw in a shark, and give one of the dudes a shotgun and I am fucking there.  As stated above it has some issues but after the last 2 turkeys I watched this was an enjoyable breath of fresh air.
A bit like the recently reviewed and released film Crawl, this movie mashes up a disaster film with an animal attack film to produce alternatingly suspenseful and gorey fun.  God, I'm just so happy to see some damn blood in a shark film again after yesterday.

It's a relatively tight story with decent characters that don't make any egregiously dumb decisions.  It's suspenseful when it needs to but isn't afraid to chomp some people into human hamburger meat either.  I feel like this shouldn't be a hard thing to accomplish yet after the last 2 films you'd think this is the holy grail.  Also one of the characters makes a shark cage suit out of the grocery store shelves which is pretty great.

It sounds like I'm being patronizing here but seriously this is a completely enjoyable shark attack movie that's definitely worth watching if you're looking for one that's not one of the 8000 versions of 7 Headed Tsunami GoatShark in Space.

Available on vudu and tubi free with ads.

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Review Blood Harvest (1987)

Blood Harvest

A slasher film where Tiny Tim plays an insane creepy as fuck clown.

You still here?

I SAID A SLASHER FILM WHERE TINY TIM PLAYS AN INSANE CREEPY AS FUCK CLOWN!

Ok, well of course it's not good but no one is expecting this to be.  If you're not sold on that first sentence then there's no reason to watch this but if you got as excited as I did when you read that then you won't be disappointed.

Tiny Tim apparently can't memorize his lines or interact with other humans normally so like 90% of his scenes are him alone, singing in his recognizable vibrato, praying some weird as shit prayers I ain't never heard in Sunday school, or just rambling incoherently.  This was the role he was born to play.

The rest is below average slasher stuff. We got a bunch of slit throats and even more boobs (if you're into that). The cast is pretty small which kinda makes the decision to make this a "who is the killer" type film pretty dumb.

Also it's gets a little rapey at one point so here's your warning but there's no explicit rape scene or anything graphic.

Also for Six Feet Under fans it's got Peter Krause in his first ever film role.

And once more this time for the people in the back... I SAID A SLASHER FILM WHERE TINY TIM PLAYS AN INSANE CREEPY AS FUCK CLOWN!

Available on Shudder also as part of Joe Bob Briggs Last Drive-in series.

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